Failure.
The Merriam-Webster definition of failure is:omission of occurrence or performance; specifically a failing to perform a duty or expected action OR lack of success.
The word failure holds a lot of weight. For some, it holds their identity. Others, it’s their biggest learning tool.
In class this past week, we failed. We were given a task & instructions on how to accomplish it & we didn’t succeed at accomplishing those tasks. We failed. We then went back inside & talked about it. We talked about what failure is, how we’ve failed in our lives, & how so often we attach our value & worth to our failures. This is simply not the truth. We will continue to fail for the rest of our lives, but if we continue to view failure as our identity, then we will always continue to walk in shame.
I left class feeling heavy & I didn’t really know what to do with the truth that I had just failed, even if it was at the smallest thing. I hate failure. I’m not good at admitting when I do fail. I set expectations for myself & when I don’t meet those expectations, I tell myself that I must be a failure.
As a former gymnast, failing was the worst thing in the world. I had coaches pushing me towards the unattainable goal of perfection & telling me that it WAS attainable & that if I just worked hard enough, I’d get there one day. I was trained to be perfect in practice so that I’d be perfect when I competed. I was held to an unreasonable standard & didn’t realize it until last Wednesday.This longing & striving to be perfect stemmed from others expectations for me & they eventually became my own.
In class, one of the things we talked about was how we justify ourselves when we fail. After failing the tasks the first time, we went back outside to do them again & to see if we could succeed. We communicated better, we let other people speak more, we found creative ways to do the tasks in a more time efficient manner. But, we still didn’t actually accomplish the tasks. We told ourselves that we succeeded because we focused more on each other, & communicating rather than finishing the actual task before us. We failed, & we changed our goals & expectations to later justify the fact that we did, indeed, fail. That hit me hard. Real hard. Wrestled with it for the rest of the week.
So, I had some questions.
Well, what now?
I know that I fail, but how do I use failure as a learning tool?
How do I stop attaching my value to my failures?
I sat with these questions for awhile. The ran through my mind multiple times a day. I’ve sought the Lord about this & He told me this:
Ky, awareness without action leads to shame.
Well, shoot. I’m aware that I’m not a failure & that I will continue to fail, & I know that I need to take action & let my failures teach me, & by doing so I can step out of this cycle of shame & into freedom. I have a choice… Let failure consume me, or leave it at the feet of my Father.
My identity was settled on the cross. The Father does not love me any less or value me any less based on whether I succeed or fail at something. I’m in the middle of obedience & it’s painful & messy & hard, but the reward is great.
Thanks for giving this a read. Means a ton.
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Dueces for now,
Ky
